One for the men: the Fleshlight

Image: www.fleshlight.com

The Drummer dropped a hint that he’d like a Fleshlight masturbation sleeve for Christmas (we’re in that relationship stage past lacy underthings and onto more practical gifts). In my usual fug of pre-Christmas denial, I simply forgot about his wish until it was far too late to submit an online order.

I scanned the web in a tightening grip of panic (because I had no back-up gift ideas in mind) for retail outlets and somehow, somewhere, found an exclusive distributor in my pokey outstation of the world. I signed the rest of my soul over to the devil and hotfooted it at the speed of sound to the emporium of smut.

One thing I’ve noticed about this place is that female staff pounce on women within 15 seconds of entering the vibrator section but leave women well alone when they stray to the cove of items for men. Does going to the other side make us window shoppers, curious behavioural anthropologists, lone desperate Christmas shoppers? Either way, I was left in peace to find the vagina in a can.

The other difference between the two aisles is that women’s sex toys are evolving to look less and less like male body parts and more like colourful works of safe abstract art, while the push in the men’s trade is to make toys look and feel as realistic as possible. That, too, had to be a question for another day as I couldn’t find the Fleshlight in the assortment of pink squishy things arranged on the shelves.

I finally found the presentation cases that looked innocuously like tennis ball cans and selected the ‘vagina’ sleeve over its mouth and anus alternatives. My sense of the practical said surely it doesn’t matter, but I opted to play it safe in case it did matter to my recipient.

The Drummer was delighted. After he opened the presentation case and canister, he allowed me a few childish minutes to poke my fingers around and make it talk like a puppet, and took it from me because my attempts at testing its elasticity by fisting the opening were killing his fantasies (it passed the expansion and recoil tests with flying colours, by the way).

He sensibly waited until my curiosity and I were out and took it for a test wank. His official feedback on the Fleshlight after a number of uses is that he’s pleased and, sensation-wise, the sleeve is more realistic and less ‘tacky’ than the two Senso sleeves he’s owned in the past. He was keen to say it’s no replacement for the real thing, of course, but the best substitute so far and a worthwhile way to incorporate some variety into the routine of blowing off steam.

The practicalities: The Fleshlight is at the higher end of the market price-wise and I’d recommend purchasing the flashlight-modelled canister to protect the sleeve. Follow all instructions to keep air-dried, use water-based lube and do not use soap – there is some aftercare involved in maintaining this toy but at this stage my beloved says it’s worth every minute and dollar.

The strap-on

Image from www.sexyland.com.au

One night ArmyDude asked me to bring the strap-on and penetrate him.

I haven’t indulged in a lot of strap-on play and there will never, ever be a photo taken of me donning the triangular vinyl harness with its crazily-jolting fake pink penis jutting from my abdomen. It looks ridiculous. Thankfully, I have a sense of the ridiculous and my partners have been patient enough to allow me a few Tom Cruise in Risky Business dance sequence moments before getting down to the serious business of sex.

I fret about lack of control over the harness and dildo with even the gentlest use; I can’t feel anything except the dildo’s base pressing into my pelvis. The last thing I want to do is jab when I intend to glide –I imagine being ripped a new arsehole would turn someone off fake dick-wielding women for a long time.

I like to experiment though – and I’m most amiable after oral sex — so I strapped in and lubed the narrower of its two dildos, guiding the first couple of inches into his anus with my easier-to-control hand.

He was resistingly tight, tight tight, a little tight, whoa, he was open and relaxed and with his own hand was pushing the remaining length in. I leaned into him, grabbed one of his shoulders as ballast and did the best job I could of fucking him with the lurid pink implement.

Afterwards he asked how much he had taken. Um, all of it young man, and you pushed it in there all by yourself. He didn’t believe me until he saw the sheen of lubricant running the dildo’s length.

Jekyll is more gung-ho and has asked to be fucked with the larger of the dildos. It’s a handy length and pleasingly broad and he enjoys lying on his back, propped with pillows, watching the dildo slide in his lubed arse (and, perhaps, enjoying seeing me doing the thrusting work).

I’m not sure if I’d recommend this brand of strap-on. If you’re new to a hobby, let’s say golf, you have the choice of convincing yourself you need the biggest and best clubs and accessories before taking to the front nine, or of making more modest purchases and adding to your equipment as you improve and find what works for you. Strap-ons are the same. If you’ve indulged in this type of activity before, head further upmarket for a more stable harness so the fucker can fuck the fuckee with more intensity and glee than concentration. If you’re new and curious, consider something more upmarket and stable anyway so your first experiences are as positive as they can be because, even if you use the harness only occasionally, the dildos are useful for solo pleasure and too many tools are never enough in twosome, threesome and (lucky you) moresome games.

If you’re a bi female or lesbian, give me a call as I’d like to practice on a woman.

Edited post from thedirtyblonde.

Vibrating remote control egg

I keep seeing the expandable butt plug post at the top of my blog feeder, and can’t help but feel it’s scaring away readers. Here’s something less, um, expandable.

I bought the Ultra Seven Remote Control Egg toy and can’t say I’m pleased. My visions have been dashed of wearing the discreet buzzball at work while flicking the remote control during endless and dull meetings. I am not happy and am frustrated – not the best combination for a productive employee.

During testing, The Drummer inserted the egg inside me while I was working his arse with another vibrator. He hit the seven speed and tempo settings like a kid with a new electronic toy and the sensation was more amusing than arousing, like a mosquito flying rather than a road compactor pounding the surfaces of my vagina (which is what I was expecting and wanting).

At the moment I think it’s $60 that could have gone towards the electricity bill.

Edited post from thedirtyblonde.

The Colt Expandable Butt Plug expands

Jekyll set some homework to help me get in touch with my inner anal goddess (or his inner perve, depending on perspective).

“I want a photo of the inflatable butt plug in your anus.”

It’s a weekend evening and I’m home alone, so what’s a girl to do apart from stick things in orifices and take happy snaps with the mobile phone camera?

Lights on
Phone charged
Vibrator selected
Inflatable butt plug within reach
Front door locked
Lube level checked
Order of events determined

I lavished dollops of lube (Astroglide is my ‘normal activity’ lube of choice) over my shaved pubic region and contemplated photo opportunities as my labia swelled with blood. The Fun Factory vibe worked its shivering magic over my clit and slid into my vagina effortlessly, my muscles craving the slab of moulded silicon to wrap around.

I shut my legs to concentrate the vibrations while I lubed the intimidating black butt plug. By then I was aroused enough to insert it into my anus to its hilt in three gentle pushes, feeling my sphincter close around the nub of the plug in a pleasingly short time. I spread my legs and took a few photos of my shiny cunt, vibe and butt plug all the way in as requested. Happy with the images, I put the phone down to concentrate on the newly-prioritised task of reaching orgasm.

The fucking electricity went off.

I whipped out the vibe, grabbed my underwear and groped for my jeans so I could head outside and re-set the circuit board. No use trying to put pants on because my arse had clamped shut and the butt plug out would not come out for neither love nor money.

Relax, relax, relax. Oh shit, what if The Drummer comes home in the next 30 seconds, or my mother drops by for a visit, or whatever other embarrassing scenario could be conjured in my head? Relax, relax, relax. Finally I replicated the muscular contraction of taking a shit and the plug popped out with the assistance of my yanking hand. Bottom wiped, jeans buttoned and libido killed.

At least one of the photos turned out.

Postscript: the Fun Factory vibe’s dial malfunctioned in an unacceptably short time and can be turned to either ‘off’ or ‘barely on’. Yet another expensive battery-driven toy that’s sitting in the drawer as a lifeless dildo. The inflatable butt plug sits patiently awaiting its next assignment – it is a fun and interesting addition to any toy stash, but be generous with lube as I have experienced dry feelings when expanding in the anus or vagina. Importantly though, when pumped, it doesn’t deflate during critical moments.

Edited post from thedirtyblonde.

Thank goodness for online shopping

The unsexiest place in the universe

There’s no real, touching, breathing, licking, slapping or fucking-type sex in my world at the moment so I went for a drive to replace Mr Buzzy.

I dropped by the first merchant of buzzing toys and scanned straight past the rabbits, dolphins, leopards, flowery crap, German-engineered overrated junk and anything that looked like anything I’ve broken before. I am a ruthless and impatient shopper and all I wanted was the old Mr Buzzy: my rubbery, spiky California Exotics sleep inducer that makes me forget my brain for a while. Thankfully my ‘I’m on a mission’ vibes were radiating far enough for the sales staff to leave me in peace and continue practising their karate kicks on each other (not sure that’s what I do if I worked in a sex shop, but can’t polish dildos all day I guess).

Mr Buzzy usually sits with the anal toys in the corner (because, you know, playing with bottoms is still a dark corner kind of pursuit) adjacent to the blow-up dolls and artificial vagina replacements. There was nothing except a juvenile cousin of Mr Buzzy with a similar shape but smooth outer skin. Not good enough as I need the friction, and off I went to a smaller emporium that Jekyll and I had driven past before.

I was close to phoning The Drummer and telling him to call the police if I wasn’t home within the hour. The industrial estate lived up to the worst perceptions of where one might purchase porny goods, with car parts strewn across the parking area, litter swirling in whirlywinds and the front door of the shop jammed open with an overflowing rubbish bin.

I crept inside and the smell of stale dope smoke and festering bong juice almost sent me reeling out the way I came. I held my breath and soldiered on, just in case Mr Buzzy was hiding inside this cesspit of masturbatory tools. The loudest ding donggggg in the history of doorbells shattered my already jittery nervous system and I launched towards the nearest wall of vibrators, where an eerily-still Asian gentleman was waiting to greet me. My ‘I’m only looking’ look didn’t dissuade him and he was intensely interested in my weekend so far.

Yeah, it’s fucking great because I’m sexually frustrated and shitty at my errant lovers and my best vibrator is busted and I can’t find another one and I’m scared you’re going to stick that 28-inch double-ended dildo in me and choke me with bad bong juice while you film me for your home-made porn flicks in that secret room I know you have out the back.

“I’m having a nice weekend, thank you.”

Same products as the other place, but fewer of them and I left empty handed yet again. Back to the web.

Why is this so difficult? All I want is something that won’t break when I need it most, any colour whatsoever, with a firm shaft, a rubbery outer with rounded spikes and a controller with settings from ‘gentle sea breeze buzz’ to ‘look out, your clit’s going to fry in 3, 2, 1’.

Edited post from thedirtyblonde.