Image: www.fleshlight.com

The Drummer dropped a hint that he’d like a Fleshlight masturbation sleeve for Christmas (we’re in that relationship stage past lacy underthings and onto more practical gifts). In my usual fug of pre-Christmas denial, I simply forgot about his wish until it was far too late to submit an online order.

I scanned the web in a tightening grip of panic (because I had no back-up gift ideas in mind) for retail outlets and somehow, somewhere, found an exclusive distributor in my pokey outstation of the world. I signed the rest of my soul over to the devil and hotfooted it at the speed of sound to the emporium of smut.

One thing I’ve noticed about this place is that female staff pounce on women within 15 seconds of entering the vibrator section but leave women well alone when they stray to the cove of items for men. Does going to the other side make us window shoppers, curious behavioural anthropologists, lone desperate Christmas shoppers? Either way, I was left in peace to find the vagina in a can.

The other difference between the two aisles is that women’s sex toys are evolving to look less and less like male body parts and more like colourful works of safe abstract art, while the push in the men’s trade is to make toys look and feel as realistic as possible. That, too, had to be a question for another day as I couldn’t find the Fleshlight in the assortment of pink squishy things arranged on the shelves.

I finally found the presentation cases that looked innocuously like tennis ball cans and selected the ‘vagina’ sleeve over its mouth and anus alternatives. My sense of the practical said surely it doesn’t matter, but I opted to play it safe in case it did matter to my recipient.

The Drummer was delighted. After he opened the presentation case and canister, he allowed me a few childish minutes to poke my fingers around and make it talk like a puppet, and took it from me because my attempts at testing its elasticity by fisting the opening were killing his fantasies (it passed the expansion and recoil tests with flying colours, by the way).

He sensibly waited until my curiosity and I were out and took it for a test wank. His official feedback on the Fleshlight after a number of uses is that he’s pleased and, sensation-wise, the sleeve is more realistic and less ‘tacky’ than the two Senso sleeves he’s owned in the past. He was keen to say it’s no replacement for the real thing, of course, but the best substitute so far and a worthwhile way to incorporate some variety into the routine of blowing off steam.

The practicalities: The Fleshlight is at the higher end of the market price-wise and I’d recommend purchasing the flashlight-modelled canister to protect the sleeve. Follow all instructions to keep air-dried, use water-based lube and do not use soap – there is some aftercare involved in maintaining this toy but at this stage my beloved says it’s worth every minute and dollar.